![]() ![]() I give you 50 bucks, and you let me do whatever I want. And when you show me that you can do your job. You're gonna have a superior officer babysitting you on every one of your cases. HOLT: Well, so does doing your paperwork, showing up on time, wearing proper footwear. I've spent the last 12 years fighting for my first command, and I'm not gonna let you screw it up because you refuse to take your job seriously. HOLT: You think I wanna be sitting here with you instead of running my precinct? Captain, why the babysitting? Why are you micromanaging me? HOLT: I'm just concerned that you may find it hard to pursue a criminal on foot while wearing man sandals. JAKE: Okay, so you do not like my ensemble. Say hello to Harvey Norgenbloom, CPA, recently divorced father of two with a dark sexual secret. JAKE: Well, I had to put on my undercover minivan disguise. The woman you love, the one you work with, the scary one with the black hair.ĬARLENE: She doesn't love you back. She died two years later.ĬARLENE: Your sincere belief in my gift means a great deal. Okay, my granny also had the gift.ĬHARLES: She was right. JAKE: And McGintley wouldn't care if I was three minutes late 'cause he was always an hour late and hungover, and he would let you do literally anything you want if you gave him a hamburger.ĬHARLES: I just want to apologize for my fellow detectives’ behavior. I wanna see what happens if I taser this cantaloupe.ĪLL: Tase, tase, tase, tase, tase. MCGINTLEY: Hey! What the hell's going on here? I mean, McGintley wouldn't care about a messy desk or all these stupid rules. TERRY: What's insane is how you refuse to get with the program. I mean, a Captain on a minor vandalism case? It's insane. JAKE: So Holt's coming on my stakeout now? I made a mixtape with some very explicit rap on it, and now I can't sing along. And I see the letters "L", "R", "S", "T", "W", "E", and "B."ĪMY: So basically, everyone's first eight guesses in hangman? I see the color blue.ĬARLENE: And yellow. She's assistant manager at Leonard's designer shoes.ĬARLENE: Vision. Also, she can get you amazing deals on ladies' footwear. GINA: Okay, she's had visions which, frankly, science cannot account for. E.G., last week, she predicted I would have a sensuous encounter with a guy named Mark. I know I'm just a lowly civilian administrator, but I couldn't help overhearing you're looking for some missing drugs? As it turns out, my friend here, Carlene, is a psychic, and she's ready to help you.ĬARLENE: I do palms, tarot, and I have a degree in numerology from the internet. Interesting, huh?ĬHARLES: Well, it's surprising because you would think he had studied. JAKE: We? You're coming with me? Sir, with all due respect, I don't need backup.ĬHARLES: Oh, look at this. She wanted an SUV, but those things roll, man. TERRY: ‘Cause my wife doesn't like it either. TERRY: You all got a problem with my minivan? Meanwhile, I'll be waiting in an undercover vehicle here. I'm gonna plant a decoy squad car as bait. JAKE: Did you just say "genital-man"? Because if so, kudos, and yes, I have a plan. HOLT: I assume you have a plan to catch this gentleman. But what are those little round things at the bottom? HITCHCOCK: Oh, that's what he's been drawing. JAKE: And apparently, they won't stop until there's a penis drawn on every cop car in Brooklyn. JAKE: Well, there's no easy way to put this, Sarge, but someone has been painting wieners on squad cars. TERRY: Peralta, brief us on the vandalism case. Santiago, where are we with the Jay Street drug bust?ĪMY: There are 12 keys of coke unaccounted for, but we just got a warrant to search the dealer's apartment. TERRY: Okay, detectives, let's get started. HOLT: Get rid of the mouse, and get your act together now. JAKE: "Algernon." "You guys, Algernon's back." HOLT: You also have more mice living in your desk than any other detective. ![]() JAKE: So I won't confuse it with "undies, clean." Also, who cares about all these rules? I have more felony arrests than any other detective here. HOLT: This folder is labeled "undies, dirty.” The other is a garbage dump in the Philippines. Here are three cases with sloppy paperwork. HOLT: You also mislabeled the evidence, so that confession is worthless if the sergeant hadn't caught your mistake. HOLT: Let's start with the Kristov murder. ![]() Everyone? Gather round, so I can call out Peralta in front of you. Oh, come on, really? I'm a few minutes late, so you're gonna call me out in front of everyone? JAKE: Which reminds me, I'm gonna need a new departmentally issued phone. HOLT: You're three minutes late, Peralta. Just what I wanna see first thing in the morning. ![]()
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